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I’m An Addict

So, I’m an addict.

I hate to stay up late and be incredibly tired, yet i do it. I’m doing it right now as we speak, but this last couple months has been so incredibly ridiculous i don’t know what to do. The usual folks who keep me stable aren’t readily available to keep my mind from wandering and my impulses from firing.

After spending an hour on the phone and catching up, I hung up and thought about what has actually been going on with me. As far as my weekdays go, they’re pretty lame and depressing. Wake, go to gym (on a good day), go to work, eat at work, go home, eat more junk, refuse to sleep because of my not so fulfilling day. Then I realized that I’m sitting alone in my apartment at 3am with quarter filled cup of scotch in my hand and a cig in the other. This would almost sound incredibly sexy if i could end that last thought with, “and then i put my silk robe on and turned to my concubines and ordered them to make me a sandwich.” Instead, it ends with “now that i’ve done my 5 year goals in 3 years time.. i am completely unmotivated in life and have developed some bad habits.”

It was my ultimate goal for so long to move out, successfully be able to support myself. Now that I have that, the things i liked so much about my life before aren’t readily available to me. I don’t know if i’ve won my own game or not right now and it totally feels like i built myself a fail boat. Fah.

At the same aggravating time, i’m feeling like the next possible steps are uncountable. I can do whatever the hell i want and am set up to go there relatively worry free. Gawd.

Anyway, that stupid shit aside: As of late i’ve come across some information that i thought would piss me off more. I say it doesn’t bother me, but i know it does — but that’s not what is annoying. What’s stupid is the fact that it doesn’t “really” annoy me very much at all. Have i just stopped giving a shit about people now? No matter how people have acted, I tend to always have a soft spot for them if they once meant anything to me.. now its just.. i don’t care. Have narcotics actually numbed my small but fierce heart into a lump of coal? Questions that I don’t feel the need to answer anymore.

3 Comments

  1. janet
    Posted 18 Oct ’09 at 12:20 am | Permalink

    WTF, you drink scotch now? You’re like a 50 year old man sitting in front of his fire petting his furry white cat. You’re Dr. Claw!

    Joking aside, maybe it’s not such a bad thing that you don’t care about people who are no longer relevant in your life. Unless that person is me or anyone cool.

  2. Posted 21 Oct ’09 at 11:51 am | Permalink

    atleast u got a copy of borderlands and not like me looking at fs/bb/rfd every hr seeing where else i can get a copy

  3. Spoon
    Posted 8 Nov ’09 at 8:55 pm | Permalink

    It may not interest you, but I found traveling gave me some new meaning and became somewhat a new goal in my life … and that stuff never ends. :D

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